When couples go through infidelity, whether it’s a physical or emotional affair or porn/sex addiction, the pain is absolutely devastating. The trauma experienced by the betrayed partner is often “the most painful, life altering experience I’ve ever been through.” The betrayed partner often has little to no idea that the infidelity has been going on for years.
It often starts with a small or medium “discovery” such as finding your spouse’s subscription to OnlyFans or pornography on their computer. Then, a year later you might find your spouse looking at pornography multiple times or possibly a text thread where your partner has been sexting with someone online for months. Some betrayed partners find evidence of their spouse seeing sex workers or having sexual or emotional affairs.
Betrayed partners can even experience their spouse’s sexual behaviors as behaviors in their mutual sexual relationship that were coercive or nonconsensual. These behaviors have sometimes been labeled as sexual “acting in” within the partnership or marriage. While this term is descriptive, we need to be careful to also label these behaviors as what they are: abusive. They are varied but might consist of nude videos or photos taken without the partner’s consent, sexual coercion or rape acted out on the partner by the sex addict. (It is most likely extremely difficult for the betrayed partner to make sense of sexual abuse or rape that occurs within a relationship or marriage due to the cognitive dissonance created when someone she expects she can love and trust sexually abuses her.) Sex addicts also sometimes pressure their partners to participate in sexual acts the partner is not comfortable with or other sexually abusive behaviors. These acting out behaviors that occur within the relationship can exponentially add to the partner’s lack of safety in the relationship. The ongoing abuse often results in a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for the betrayed partner. The nonconsensual acts experienced by the betrayed partner are usually in addiction to other infidelities the sex addict has committed within the relationship.
Couples’ lives and relationships explode! They question: How can our relationship survive? Betrayed partners wonder, should I stay or should I go?
Couples often seek individual therapy for the betrayer as well as couple’s therapy. However, as the couple starts this process, it’s important to acknowledge a few vital things. The betrayed partner is experiencing a lack of “safety” in the relationship on a global level. What’s more, the latest findings concerning a couples’ healing from porn/sex addiction and betrayal trauma, STARTS with the betrayer starting strong sexual recovery while focusing on creating emotional safety for his partner.
Located below you will find a comprehensive guide for getting started with infidelity or sex/porn addiction recovery. It will be a long road but couples’ can create a new marriage/partnership if they are BOTH willing to remain committed to recovery.
- For the Betraying Partner:
- Pursuing committed sex/porn addiction recovery
- Finding a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist)
- Getting sober from the sexually compulsive behavior (porn, seeing sex workers, sexually acting out on spouse/partner, etc.)
- Attend Inpatient Treatment if sobriety cannot be maintained or if recommended.
- Attend 12 Step groups
- Find a Couples Therapist certified in CCBRT and/or ERCEM.
*These are certifications in the most recent findings in how a couple heals from Sex Addiction and Betrayal Trauma. EMPATHY for the betrayed partner’s experience, triggers and safety are the basis for the training.
- Find a therapist for the Betrayed Partner who is a CSAT or APSATS therapist.